Take this Sinking Boat (and Point it Home)
by amandaec
Summary: Felicity is gone, and Oliver is going certifiably insane. How far exactly is he willing to go for the chance of seeing her again? Angst ensues. AU, considering the direction season 3 seems to be headed to. Previously posted on AO3
1. Too Much

**Chapter 1-Too much**

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I'm so sorry for this.

The idea just came out of nowhere and I had to write it.  
Let's not dwell to hard on the reason behind Felicity being gone, personally I think she would never do it,  
but then this story couldn't happen and my brain was begging it to, so for the sake of this story, let's assume she could.

Title from the song Falling Slowly.

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It had been a month since he'd last seen her.

_They had argued about her being out in the field, but Digg had been in the hospital waiting for his baby to be born, and Oliver did need somebody to watch the back door for him an tap into the internal security system. It was a recon mission, simple enough, and she was supposed to stay in the car. They hadn't anticipated the two guys that arrived out of nowhere, and took her out of the driver seat after punching her in the head. She had been in the most danger she'd ever been, the danger of losing her soul. She had come close to killing a man when Oliver almost didn't get to her in time._

_It's still blurry in his mind, the moment he got to the warehouse across from where he was, he heard her screaming in his earpiece, then there was sounds of a struggle, when he finally fought off the guy holding him back and stormed through the door, the man was holding a gun to her head, and Oliver felt scared. He saw her reaching for the knife he'd insisted she'd carry, and that she did just to humor him. Praying that, if it came to it, she'd have the courage to use it._

_He had an arrow ready to fly, he shouted at the guy to drop the gun and then saw him whisper something in her ear and her whole body cringe, making fury wash through him like fire. Then the gun shifted the slightest in Oliver's direction and he saw her take the chance, half turning her torso as best as she could with the guy holding her by the neck and stabbed him in the side. When he remembered it, he never had asked what the guy had said to her._

_The guy screamed in pain, dropping to his knees, and by the way he was contorting himself with each breath Oliver imagined she'd hit one of his lungs. He almost missed when she took the gun from the ground and pointed it at the guy, fear and something else behind her eyes when he called her name and snapped her out of it. She tossed the gun and looked at him with tears in her eyes. It was all too fast, he ran to her, embracing her as he dialed 911asking for an ambulance and the Detective Lance. He made sure the guy had a pulse and cleaned the fingerprints on the gun before picking up the knife and taking her out of there._

_She was shaking, shivering as the adrenaline wore off, and the tears were now streaming down her face, but she was silent as he drove them back to the foundry. She barely waited for the van to come to a full stop before she got out, punching the code at the door and making her way to the computers. He watched her, worried, she was too quiet. He walked over, took her hand in his._

_"Are you okay?" He'd asked, knowing it was a stupid question but trying to get her to talk it out. She just shot him a look and turned back to her screen. He looked at it too and saw she was monitoring the hospital entry for the guy she stabbed. He swallowed._

_"Felicity, look at me, it's not your fault, he was going to kill you… please say something," he was begging and he didn't care, he couldn't bear to see that broken look on her for another second. She stayed silent and dropped her eyes to her hands, apparently for the first time, because she couldn't avert them from the blood stain between her thumb and index finger. It wasn't big, but he knew the weight that sight could bring. He needed to do something, he wanted to hold her until she was all cried out and tell her that he was there for her in every way she could want him, but he couldn't, she had someone for that, and it wasn't him._

_"Do you want me to call Daniel?" He'd said, trying to swallow the bitter taste those words left in his mouth because since the other man had come along she had distanced herself from him. That got her to look back up, but it wasn't better because there was anger flashing behind her eyes._

_"And tell him what exactly, Oliver? Your girlfriend needs you because she almost killed a guy during her night job helping me fight crime, oh and by the way I'm the Arrow? Not to mention almost is being optimistic because the guy is critical and could still die." She was crying and screaming at him and the guilt that flooded him was heavier than any he'd felt before. If that guy died it was on him, if she had killed a person it was on him, the fact that she was even in that position to begin with was on him. For all the good she had brought to his life this is the kind of thing he brought to hers. He bit his tongue hard enough to draw blood, trying to find an outlet for all those emotions as he looked in her eyes, willing with all his strength to hold back his tears._

_She just looked up at him in challenge for a moment, before turning back to the status updates on the guy she sent to the hospital. That guy couldn't die, it was all he could think of, that and the fact that this was never going to happen again, he didn't know how yet but he would make sure of it, whatever it took._

As it was it took him everything.

Even though the man had made it through and was now a fully recovered, healthy prisoner in Iron Heights, Oliver had made a vow to himself, and the way he found to shield her from his mission and all the consequences that came with it, was to shut her out, to drive her away.

It had hurt him like extracting a limb, twice as much, because he'd had to hurt her too. He told her they didn't need her anymore, that he had worked a deal with Waller to get information, she owed him that much after all he did for her in Hong Kong, and the last part was true, but he knew she could see right through all his lies. She could tell he was lying when he said he didn't need her, but she could also tell that he wanted her to believe him, that he wanted to drive her away, and it hurt her all the same. He broke his promise that she'd never lose him, because he couldn't lose her.

In the end she granted him his wish, warning him that it was final, if it was what he wanted, she would go, and she would be gone forever. He was never to look for her again, she would leave and never look back, if that was what he really wanted. He said it was, and she was gone. He didn't even know if she was still dating Daniel or not, he didn't know anything about her, other than the fact that she kept contact with Digg, who was as pissed at him as he was at himself, so he knew he would never give Oliver anything even if he asked.

It had been a month and he was barely hanging there. By now he knew his idea was probably not the best way he could have handled things, but it was done, and she was safe, that was all that mattered. His every second was filled by the need to see her again, to have her comforting presence grounding him in the foundry, have her voice in his ears when he was on a mission. But then he thought about all the times she'd been in danger, the Count, the Dollmaker, Slade… He remembered telling her he loved her, the relief he felt for finally being able to say it, and all the while letting her think it was just to fool Slade.

He remembered the moment Slade had his blade on her neck, and then something else struck him, a fading memory of what he said to Slade, a realization he had about Shado, Slade saw her, she was dead, gone forever, but he had her at his side, whichever twisted version of her it had been, right now Oliver couldn't help envying that. He thought about the mirakuru sample sitting in a safe in Star Labs, a sample only his team and Dr. Wells knew about. He scoffed at his stupid idea, he'd made it five years without knowing if he'd live to see the sunrise again and one month without her was driving him insane, how the hell did that happen? He stood up and turned off the foundry lights, he needed some sleep.

It was living like a recovering addict, one day at a time, every time he made it through the day to rest his head against his pillow again was a victory, even if he spent most of his nights just lying awake. For the next two weeks he revisited that terrible idea in his late night musings, he kept repeating to himself that it was a stupid idea, while still unable to help planning in his mind how he would do it. He knew it was bad, and dangerous (and did he mention completely crazy?), to say the least, but he was never going to act on it, so he let his imagination run wild with anything that would get him through the night until he fell asleep.

The dreams were expected, they happened more often than not, different scenarios where she was leaving him, and he couldn't move or say anything to stop her, not much different from what actually happened, and he woke up with a start, with the sinking knowledge that that particular nightmare was his reality now.

But tonight the dream was different, she was leaving, getting inside her car and driving away, but as she was turning on the corner another car crashed into hers, and he watched as her tiny red car become half its size, crushing her life inside of it, unable to scream, unable to cry, unable to run to her. He came to with a hoarse scream, realizing he must have been screaming in his sleep.

He was used to nightmares, but that one really terrified him. The idea that something could happen to her, even when she was as far from him as she could get, even not being a part of his life anymore, the thought that even if she was living the normal life she was supposed to there were still things that could hurt her and erase her existence, ignited something deep inside him. He needed her, he needed to see her like he needed air.

He had such a feeble grasp to his sanity right now that he didn't even hesitate before getting up from his bed and heading out. He didn't use his hood that night when he broke into Star Labs, he was wearing a black clothes and a ski mask. He got in the safe, took the flask and got out as fast as he could, able to avoid the security cameras and the guards, following the detailed plan he had made in his mind while telling himself it was just a silly idea he'd never act on.

Now he was in the lair sitting in her chair, looking at the flask filled with green liquid in his hand. He knew Wells would call the Arrow soon, that Digg would come here, worried about who might have taken the mirakuru and what they could be planning to do, he had thought that part through too. They still had some of the cure stashed away, and Star Labs would surely be making more of it now. He would give the cure to Digg, tell him to keep it with him, and would send him a message telling him who to use it on if he really decided to inject himself. He considered going back to the island to do it, so he wouldn't be a danger to anyone.

"I'm losing my mind," he muttered to himself, running a hand through his hair and putting the mirakuru away in his old trunk, with the other stuff from the island. He knew he should just destroy it, but he couldn't bring himself to. He laid back in his cot, it was almost morning now, knowing it wouldn't be long before there was a call about the break in. He closed his eyes and tried to quiet his thoughts, not sure of what he was doing anymore.

Sure enough his phone rang at 6 a.m., a very worried Dr. Wells telling him about what he already knew had happened.

"Is there any evidence about who did it?" Was all he said when the doctor finally stopped talking.

"No, it was like he knew exactly where to look and how to go unnoticed."

Oliver held back his sigh of relief, he might get away with his utter lapse of judgement after all. "We'll get him," was all he answered before ending the call. Not long after the door was opening.

"Oliver, have you seen the news?" Diggle's voice sounded across the room. It would be harder to sound convincing with his friend.

"I just got a call." He tried to keep it short.

"It's the mirakuru isn't it? The reporter just said a valuable piece of research was stolen." Digg was aggravated.

"Yes, Dr. Wells just told me, they have nothing on who it could be though."

"Do you have any idea? You think Slade could be behind it?"

"I don't know, but I don't see how Slade could do anything from the place he's being held."

"That's what I thought too, but you can never be sure with him."

"I guess we can't, you should take our samples of the cure and keep them close, protect your family if it gets out again."

Digg looked confused. "The samples are safe here."

"Yes, I meant a part of them, just for precaution," Oliver answered.

"Okay," Digg's tone was unsure.

"You know, you should send one to..." He trailed off, but Digg nodded, and he took that as the end of the subject, taking a t-shirt from one of the shelves and pulling it on. "Want to get some breakfast? I'll stop at my apartment before I make it to work. Wait, how did you know I was here?"

"Tracker on the phone, remember?" Digg said, "You sleep here half the time now so I just started checking before I leave, let's go get some food then," they left the foundry, Oliver sparing one last glance in his trunk's direction.

Needless to say, Oliver didn't get much work done that day, he mostly stared out the window of his office, remembering who was by his side helping him get it back, and that all she would take from him before leaving was a letter of recommendation. He wanted to give her a sizeable amount of money but she didn't take it. She wanted nothing do to with him, even the letter of recommendation she had asked him to have the IT director write it.

He swallowed drily, he still felt it in his soul the pain of having her look at him the way she did the last time he saw her. What wouldn't he give to change that memory. He realized the question of how much he would give to see her again had never been so literal like it was just now, and he was afraid the answer would be anything and everything.

His mind kept going to the green liquid stashed in the foundry, thinking of all the reasons he should never use it, trying to hold on to his rationality. When Amanda called giving the whereabouts of his new target he was relieved, finally something to take his mind out of the craziness. He donned the hood, did what he always does, focused on getting the job done, and made his way back to the lair when the guy was tied to a street pole, waiting for the cops to come get him. Oliver was exhausted when he arrived, he told Digg to go home, reminding him to take some of the cure before he left.

So, somewhere deep inside he was still considering the possibility, he realized.

'_Go to sleep, Oliver, one day at a time' _he thought, and followed his own advice, collapsing at the cot, trying to empty his mind as he stared at the ceiling until sleep dragged him away.

He woke up with a start again, this time she was drowning, like he thought Sara had, twice, how the hell was he supposed to make through this if his brain would keep feeding him images of all the ways she could die even if she was living a normal life away from him? Hadn't he seen enough people die? He couldn't deal with this anymore, he needed rest, he needed peace. He was standing on the edge and he just wanted to take another step.

Somewhere inside him the decision had already been made. He was going to do it, it was crazy and irresponsible and he didn't care anymore, he needed it more than he was able to fight it. The only thing left to do was take the measures to stop himself from becoming a danger to everyone else. Slade had snapped when he learned about Shado's death, and Roy after Thea broke up with him, so he would have his sanity at least for some time after the mirakuru kicked in, and he would try to get through to himself.

He spent the next hour setting things up, he changed the code to the foundry door, programmed his phone to send Diggle two messages (not sure how he even remembered how to do that), one in the morning telling him not to come the next few days because he wanted to be alone, and the other in three days, telling him everything and the new code to the foundry, so he could use the cure on him.

The last thing he did was record a video to watch when he woke up. He adjusted the monitor to face the salmon ladder, took a remote control Felicity had got for them and set it on the ground before sitting with his back to the ladder's foot, chaining his legs together and his torso to the metal bar leaving only enough room to use his right hand to inject his left arm.

He paused before pushing the liquid inside. _This was downright crazy, how was he even considering it?_ And then some other part of him said it was just three days, then it would be over, Roy had weeks before he snapped, and that was even before he got help. Three more days with her, to then endure the rest of his life without her. That wasn't too much to ask, he thought, and pressed the syringe.

He woke up feeling like he had run a marathon, every single muscle was on fire. His vision was blurry. It took him a few minutes to be able to focus, his sight was reddened. He couldn't move when he tried, and then he saw the chains, only his right forearm was free, and there was a remote on the ground next to his hand. He tried to remember what had happened but his mind was foggy. He was tied up in his own foundry, that didn't make any sense. He looked around. One of the monitors was facing him, a post it attached to the bottom of it.

'PLAY ME' it said. It was his own handwriting.

He reached the remote and pressed the button. His face showed on the screen.

"Hi Oliver, if you're watching this it means you went on and indulged in the stupidest idea you ever had. Congratulations, you are an idiot," that sounded like him, but he still didn't get what he was talking about.

"I don't know how much you remember from what happened before you passed out, so I'm going to tell you," the video version of him continued, "I need you to stay calm when I tell you this, and whatever you do, do not try to break the chains, and do not leave the foundry" he sighed in the video. _This was making no sense_.

"Oliver, you injected yourself with mirakuru last night, try to remember that," something clicked inside his head, _right, he remembered thinking about doing that, but not actually doing it._

"You broke into Star Labs and stole the last sample to use on yourself, you were trying to make something happen, can you remember what that was?" _Felicity_, he remembered why he wanted the mirakuru.

"Is she there with you?" the voice cracked in the end and he looked at his own eyes, for the first time seeing how lost he looked. He looked around, no sign of her, maybe it just didn't work.

"You have three days, then it'll be over, you have to accept that, it's more than I have right now, it's more than you had yesterday," he saw himself swallow.

"If you succeed in seeing her, remember how Slade saw Shado, he saw some twisted version of her that compelled him to do bad things, if you see Felicity, remember how she is, don't let your mind trick you into making her different, remember that you are the reason she went away, that you had to keep her safe, because you love her, and remember why you love her, and use that to control yourself. Remember how she is, annoyingly stubborn, bossy, always ready to tell you when you're wrong," he paused to smile on the video.

"Remember how happy she makes you, how fast she talks, how caring and smart she is, how she always puts everyone else before her, the way she dances in her chair when she thinks nobody is watching, please Oliver, remember the sweet, loving woman that you love, because that's who she is, don't let the mirakuru tell you differently. Watch this again and again until you remember it, please," the last words were followed by a watery smile, and then the video went black. He remembered all those things, even though he didn't remember saying them to the camera. He was about to play the video again when he heard it.

"Oliver!" it was her voice, his heart jumped in his chest, and he closed his eyes firmly shut, there was nothing he would like more than to see her right now, but he knew one look at her and he could be lost. He hit play on the video so he would hear it all again when he opened his eyes.

"Oliver," she was kneeling next to him, as beautiful as he could remember, hair in its usual ponytail, she was looking at him through her glasses and his own voice got lost in the background as he looked into her eyes.

* * *

Man, that was a big one, sorry about that, and the angst, I just had to get through all that to make it to the juicy stuff.  
This could easily have a couple more chapters, seeing as I've already written more and I have a thousand ideas for how this could go.  
What did you think of this crazy idea of mine?

Pleeeease let me know?

Seriously, though, I could really use the feedback.

Find me on tumblr if you'd rather talk there: amandaecs . tumblr .com


	2. Rabbit Hole

**Chapter 2: Rabbit Hole**

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Summary:

Oliver goes down the rabbit hole, and the question is, will he be able to get back?

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Notes:

I want to thank everyone that's reading this!  
You guys are all awesome and I hope you like this one. It's a little painful, but it's important.

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_She's a hallucination, Oliver, don't forget that._

"Oliver, there you are," she said with a smile and he mirrored it, for the first time in very long he felt like he could fill his lungs to their full capacity again. She wasn't really there, some part of him knew that, but right now that didn't matter. He tried to reach her with his free hand, but there wasn't enough room for it to touch her.

"You look so real," he smiled, stunned by having her so close after so long.

She chuckled, "What are you talking about? I'm here."

"Yeah, but you're just a projection from my mind," he explained, looking at her with what he knew was a stupid smile, but he just couldn't wipe it out, "I can't believe it worked."

"Come on, Oliver, you sound like a crazy person, are you high on that herbal tea thing?" She asked, giving him a concerned once over, "Why are you tied up? Did you have some kind of weird party down here I don't know about?"

She sounded every bit like his Felicity, he thought with a content sigh. "You know why I'm tied up, you're a part of my imagination, you know everything I know."

"Seriously, now you're scaring me, what the hell are you talking about? Come on, unchain yourself and let's get you home."

"I can't, Felicity, I have to stay here."

"Okay, you're nuts, I'll get out of here before I go insane too," she stood up and started to walk away.

"NO!" He surprised himself with how loud it came out, "Please, stay."

She turned back to him, "If I stay will you tell me what is going on? You know how I hate mysteries"

Yes, he knew, "Okay. But promise me you'll stay, please."

She didn't answer, just made her way back and sat cross legged by his side, looking at him expectantly. Was his brain really capable of doing that? Making her up so perfectly? Would he be able to feel her? He was afraid to find out.

"I miss you so much," he said, using all of his willpower not to try to touch her, aware that now she was close enough he could.

"I'm right here, Oliver, you don't have to miss me anymore," she seemed to read his mind, well, obviously, _because she was in his mind_, and reached her hand to his cheek, caressing him, and it felt so damn good, "please, tell me what's happening with you, none of this makes any sense."

"Felicity," he started, not really knowing how to continue, the tips of her fingers scratching his stubble. She felt real, even though she wasn't, he reminded himself, but there was a bright side to that. He could tell her everything he ever wanted, without harming her, without putting her in danger, he would take what he could get.

"I love you," he told her, it felt so good to say it, "I love you so much, do you know that?"

She smiled, "I love you too, Oliver."

He didn't care it wasn't true, it was the sweetest sound he'd ever heard, he'd dreamed of hearing that for so long. He opened his hand, and she put hers in it, twining their fingers together, smiling tenderly at him. He looked at her bright pink lips, and as soon as he thought about it, she leaned to him, brushing his lips with hers and then pulling away, with her eyes closed. His eyes brimmed with tears, he wanted so bad for all this to be real.

"Why are you crying? Oh my God, was it bad?" She looked so concerned, her brows furrowed and her nose scrunched, it was so adorable it made him chuckle.

"No, it's just that I really wish I could do that for real."

"Okay, will you stop with that nonsense? This is real, Oliver, it's me." _No it isn't._"I came back, I'm here." _But you're not_. She took his face in her hands, "don't you feel this?" She moved one hand behind his neck, and kissed his cheek, "and this? I came back for you, I'm here," she said, so close he could feel her breath brushing his face.

"If only I could believe that," he said with a watery smile, and then she threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him desperately, making his whole body burn with passion. He met her lips for all he was worth, it might be his only chance after all. He stroked his tongue against hers, he explored every corner of her mouth, tasting, and wondering how close that detail could be from reality.

She pulled back, leaving him breathless, his chest expanding against the chains, making the metal clank with every exhale.

"That enough to convince you?" She smiled, and he fought against the urge to say yes. She must have taken his silence for an agreement, because next thing he knew she was kissing her way from the corner of his mouth to his ear, "now break out of those chains so we can get out of here, I'm not really into the whole S&M thing."

"I can't, Felicity," he was on his last drop of control, trying to hold on with everything he had.

"Oh, I think you can, do you forget I've seen you working out? I mean, not that I was watching you, just, you know, it was within my field of vision," she blushed.

Could it really be her? She was so real. He was losing his grip on what was real and what wasn't, what if she came back while he was out? She looked like her, she felt like her and she sounded like her_. She smelled like her_. His brain couldn't make all that with so much precision. Or could it? He felt his head start to pound, all those thoughts whirling through it in a matter of seconds.

"Oliver!" she called, getting his attention, "Hurry up! I don't have the whole day."

_"You have three days",_his own voice rang in his memory. Three days. He was on a deadline. What day was it? How long had he been out? How long did he still have left? He had to know, what if it was ending? He still had so much to say, he had to break free and make it to the computer, see how long ago the video was made. All his resolve crumbled and he flexed his arms under the chains, pushing against the thick steel, grunting as it started cracking loudly.

Once free, he stood up slowly, not sure of the consequences of what he'd just done.

"I said you could do it," she was smiling again.

"I need to know how long we have left," he told her, striding to the computer. It was ten in the morning, day two. He didn't know exactly if he had until the end of day three or if it would end at any point of the day, he wasn't even sure how exactly it would end, but he had clearly thought this through, so he believed that it would indeed end, and he had to make the most of it. One day left. He scrubbed his hand down his face.

"Oliver?" She had been standing by his side, "is everything alright?"

He looked up at her, "Yes, just have less time than I thought."

She didn't say he was crazy like she had before, she didn't question it this time, just pulled him to her and held him in a hug. He returned it, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. It would be over too soon. She settled against his chest, wrapping her arms around his neck. They just stayed like that for a long time, Oliver felt like his world was whole again. He didn't care she was just a projection, as long as she was there.

He held her chin up and kissed her. Sweet and slow, the way he'd always dreamed of, and felt her smile against his lips. He braced one of his arms tightly around her waist, his other hand behind her head, angling her towards him. It felt warm, familiar and right. It felt like home.

"Do you have any idea how many times I wanted to be able to do this?" He muttered in her neck.

She pulled back a little, "Why didn't you?"

"I told you why," he said.

"Because of the life that you lead…" she trailed of and he nodded once, closing his eyes.

"You'd be in danger, you were in danger, that's why I made you leave," his voice was strained, "I'm sorry I sent you away," he said.

"You couldn't make me do anything, Oliver," she said softly, and that startled him, "I never let you just tell me what to do, I never did anything I didn't want to. My life, my choice, remember?"

He felt like a sharp blade had cut through his heart. It made sense to him. He never understood why she had stuck around in the first place. She was too good for him, and too smart not to know it. Of course she would want to leave. But she had also just told him she loved him, and he didn't how that fit into this scenario.

"You wanted to leave me?"

She didn't respond. Just continued to look up at him with a fond expression.

"But you said you loved me."

"And why would that make any difference? You said it to me once and we just went on with our lives like nothing had happened. It didn't mean anything."

That hurt deep. This couldn't be her, it wasn't her_, it's the mirakuru, Oliver_. He couldn't ignore it, though, because it was her, and as much as it hurt him, it wasn't like she didn't have a point anyway. He had to fix it.

"It did" he pleaded, "It was as real back then as it is now, I love you, with all my heart and all my soul, and I have loved you for a long time."

"Why should I believe you? Your whole life is a lie, Oliver, you're all alone because you lied to everyone. You lied about Slade and he killed your mother, you lied about Merlyn and your sister ran away, you lied to me from the moment we met. You told me I was your partner, and then you said you didn't need me anymore. You say you were telling the truth when you told me you loved me but you let me believe you lied, so what's the difference? You didn't want me to know, you didn't want to be with me, I was angry, so I found someone who did and I left you," her words were harsh but her face was always soft, she didn't sound angry, she was just stating the truth.

He wondered if she knew her words were slicing through him, through his sanity. So many times he wondered why she had never said things like that to him, why she just accepted him when even he didn't. He had expected this, the moment it would be too much for her and she would just say it like it was. Tell him he didn't deserve her. He wondered if she knew how much power she had over him. _Wait, you made her up, she knows what you're thinking. She is playing your insecurities. Your mind is playing your insecurities. Using your memories against you._

He was getting confused, he didn't know what to think, he didn't know what he could believe in anymore. He shook his head, trying to somehow get his head back together.

"You're right," he finally said, in a weak voice, "I'm sorry, I'm trying to be better, you, you helped me find a way, but now you're gone too. I've been so lost without you," he confessed.

"It's okay, we can fix that, I'm back now."

"No, you're not!" he yelled, "You're just a hallucination and I'll never see the real you again," his left hand started shaking and he felt the anger scorch up his body, not sure who it was directed at. _Stay calm, Oliver._He took a deep breath. She stayed quiet.

"We just… we have so little time," he said, dropping back in her chair, "Can we just stay here, together, until it's over?"

She took his hands in hers and brushed her thumbs over his knuckles, leaning down to kiss them.

"Is that what you really want to do, Oliver? We were supposed to be together, and you will settle for a few more hours?"

"That was the deal, Felicity, you get to live a normal life, I get to know you're safe. This, this is just a bonus, this is me cheating, one day is more than I should get."

"I don't accept that, Oliver, and you shouldn't either. I left you, I knew you were lying when you said you didn't need me, I knew you would be lost, and I did it anyway. I hurt you Oliver, I traded you in for Daniel, and you're okay with that? You should be angry, you should do something about it," that was the first time the softness disappeared from her voice.

_She's manipulating you, Oliver, don't let her._ He took her hands and buried his face in them, that was all he wanted, just to be close to her one last time, he didn't need to do anything else, just stay like this. He hauled her to him, so she was cradled in his lap, between his arms.

"This will be enough," he said, his voice faltering.

She kissed the underside of his jaw, "how is that fair, Oliver?"

It wasn't, but he learned life wasn't fair too long ago. He just closed his eyes and reveled in her presence, trying to tune away the words.

"I get to be free and happy while you're miserable because of me? Look what you've done to yourself. This is not how it's supposed to be. You have to change that, Oliver, you can still change that. You have to go out and find me," he could feel her warm breath in his cheek, her lips touching it when she stopped talking, and he didn't know how long it would take for her to break him. He'd been tortured, he could stand the pain, the starvation, the thirst, the hopelessness, but this, having everything he ever wanted in his arms, and knowing it wouldn't last, this made it all feel like child play. And the way she was talking to him was so much more convincing than being beaten up.

"Just come with me, you'll feel much better once we're out of here," she kissed his lips once more and pulled back.

He stood up and followed her, floating through the emotions she was eliciting, forgetting everything else. He was reaching for the electric lock, with her in tow, when he saw the yellow piece of paper attached to the door that read **'DON'T LEAVE'**. He took it in his hand, and examined it, knowing it was supposed to make sense, but not quite remembering why. He turned the paper in his hand and found another note, in smaller writing: **'She's with you isn't she? Watch video again'**.

He looked down at her.

"Why are we just standing here?" She asked.

He removed his hand from hers and walked quickly to the computers before she could stop him. He hit play again on the video.

_"Remember how Slade saw Shado, he saw some twisted version of her that compelled him to do bad things."_

_"Don't let your mind trick you into making her different"_

_"Remember the sweet, loving woman that you love, because that's who she is, don't let the mirakuru tell you differently."_

He recovered some, after listening to himself. The Felicity that was there with him was a product of his imagination, a mirakuru induced hallucination, she was a part of him. He looked between the video and her, each represented a side of his own mind, and he didn't know which one to listen to.

"Oliver, we have to get out of here, you have to find me, I have to pay for what I've done to you, look at yourself."

No, Felicity would never say that, _remember her._ He was no longer sure if he could endure the rest of the time he had with her, he was torn between taking the version of her he could get and wanting this torture to be over, because he couldn't let go of his control and he could tell she wasn't going to give up. She was all his fears and doubts, wrapped in what he loved most in the world.

He didn't know how long had passed, he was curled up in a ball against the concrete wall for what felt like hours, hugging his legs in front of his chest, and shaking his head. She was trying everything to get him to leave, and he was afraid of what she could compel him to do if he caved.

She sat beside him and combed her fingers through his hair, "Oliver, let's go! We can still be together!", she said she loved him and enveloped him in her warmth, "You have to get me back, you have to find me!" and when that didn't work she threatened to leave again, "You're a liar, you never loved me and you never will, I regret ever meeting you", she walked away and he begged her not to leave, "Just come with me," she said, and disappeared from his sight, then after a while she was back, and she was sweet again, she apologized, she gave him another reason to leave, to find her. He didn't know at what point he'd started crying.

"Stop, please stop, I can't do this anymore," he said with a thick voice, and she sat beside him, facing him.

"I'm sorry, Oliver, but you have to come, you have to find me, look what I've done to you."

"It's not you, it's the mirakuru," he repeated like a mantra.

"You're a coward," she said, and he raised his read to look in her eyes, they were filled with anger, "you sent me away for your own peace of mind, so you can just choose to believe I'm fine, you can tell yourself I'm happy, but what if I'm not? What if I'm in pain, what if someone took me? There are bad people that know about my connection with you, what if they come after me? You won't be there to protect me. All you did was leave me to fend for myself."

It was like she was tearing him away, piece by piece, it was excruciating. He buried his face in his knees, and put his arms over his ears, _what if she was in danger, and alone?_ He couldn't listen to this anymore, but he couldn't bring himself to do anything else, he didn't have the strength to do anything other than try to resist doing what she wanted him to do.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, not knowing what else to say, she was filling all of his mind with her words, he couldn't think about a way out, he couldn't think about anything else. So he just stayed there, rocking back and forth, covering his ears, sobbing, and willing this all to be over soon.

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This one was intense to write, and I don't know how it came across so it would be great if you could tell me.  
I rewatched Roy's and Slade's hallucinations several times over to try to do a good job, but I'm not sure.

The next will be in Felicity's POV, it is an Olicity fic after all, and it's the main reason I decided to write all this so I'm really excited about that. I've written some of it already but I won't have much time the next days so I think it'll be a week or two before I post it.

If you have comments, criticism, questions, or anything, please leave them here or find me on tumblr ( amandaecs. tumblr .com)  
I'd really like to know your thoughts :)


	3. Deep in the Sea

**Chapter 3 – Deep in the Sea**

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Summary:

How Felicity finds out about Oliver's insane choice, and how she reacts to it.

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Notes:

Im sorry about the lack of notes in the previous chapters, I'm still learning my way around this website, it has been fixed.

I'm really trying to do a good job with this, sorry if my writing falls short,  
and thank you to everyone who's reading it, especially those leaving comments,  
I love you guys :)

Title from the poem Ismália, by Alphonsus de Guimaraens. The poem suits this story so well I'm mad I didn't remember of it back when I named it, almost changed the name, but thought it would cause too much confusion.

Also. I don't have a beta so all mistakes are my own.

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Felicity was sitting in her new office in Coast City, where she'd gotten a job as an IT supervisor in Ferris Technology. The money was good, and it was close enough so Digg and Lyla could visit once the baby was a bit older, not to mention there was enough work to get her mind off of what drove her there in the first place. After Oliver told her he'd made arrangements with Waller and was letting her go, she had packed in a day and left the next morning, so much for the 'you're not gonna lose me' speech.

Words, just meaningless words. Hearing that he didn't need her anymore and wanted her away from the team had been one of the most hurtful things she'd been through, it was like losing a part of herself, but she'd get over it and bounce back, she always did. She'd moved out and moved on.

She had people she could count on. Caitlin and Cisco had already visited once. Barry came more often, super speed and all. He helped, it was fun to have him around, and he distracted her, never forcing the subject of her departure from Starling, just understood and agreed to never talk to Oliver about her. She had covered all her tracks so he wouldn't be able to find her unless someone told him, and she trusted nobody would. She'd had enough of his push-pull, she'd given him an ultimatum and he made his choice, she would respect it, but she owed him nothing else, and that was the end of the line for them. If it still made something squeeze inside her chest she would never admit it.

Poor Daniel was really confused about the abrupt change, and she couldn't really handle a relationship right then, so she'd asked for some time while she settled in her new life, and he'd graciously obliged, insisting he'd be waiting when she was ready. Already a month and a half had passed, and despite the struggle of the first few weeks, she was managing just fine. Oliver was gradually fading away from her mind and she was grateful for it, someday he would just become some distant memory in the background. There were days she didn't even think about him.

Today was one of the days, she was half turned in her chair, lazily clicking and unclicking her pen on the glass top of the desk, staring at the bright sky outside as she tried to talk one of the directors through fixing his computer, apparently he'd made the screen tilt to the side, she shook her head.

"Oh, no, I don't know what I did, but it went black," she heard on the other side of the line.

"Mr. Campbell, just type this…"

"Now it's blinking, there's this… code text thing showing, I don't know what it means," he cut her off, becoming a little desperate.

"Okay, Mr. Campbell, I'm coming right up," she said, trying to calm the man before hanging up, she could have sent one of the interns, but it was a quiet day and she didn't mind. She picked up her tablet and was standing to leave when she noticed it was off.

"Damn it," she muttered under her breath realizing the battery had died. She swore these things lasted less every new model she bought, and this one was just a few weeks old - she'd preordered it a month before it came out, too excited to wait. She knew better than to leave the office without a tablet, but luckily she kept her old one handy, in one of the drawers, so she just took that one after plugging the other to the charger.

Campbell's computer was an easy fix, she was quickly accepting his gratitude and sauntering off back to her floor. She went through her old tablet in the elevator ride, remembering some of the apps she had forgotten to download on the new one. She sat back in her chair, engrossed in a 2048 game, when a notification came up. She was confused when she saw it was a notification from the heavily encrypted cloud account she had used back in the foundry. She had set it up so the information would always be handy if she needed it, but it hadn't been active since she left, she even forgot about it. Oliver and Digg didn't even know how to use it. One of them must have done it by accident, she thought.

She was intrigued to see that it was a video, and debated whether or not to watch it, but the small part of her that still really missed being a part of the mission was louder and she tapped her finger on it. There was a hand in front of the camera and some shuffling before Oliver's face appeared. There was an ache in her heart she hadn't expected when she saw the dark circles under his eyes and how pale he was. He looked so broken, _had he lost weight?_ She stopped her hand midway from touching his face on the screen. What was he doing a video for?

"Hi Oliver, if you're watching this it means you went on and indulged in the stupidest idea you ever had. Congratulations, you are an idiot." _At least he admits it, but what is he talking about?_

"I don't know how much you remember from what happened before you passed out, so I'm going to tell you, I need you to stay calm when I tell you this, and whatever you do, do not try to break the chains, and do not leave the foundry." _Chains? What the hell?_ _This makes no sense._

"Oliver, you injected yourself with mirakuru last night, try to remember that." She brought her hand to her mouth, gasping in shock, Digg had called her about the break in at Star Labs, and even said he was sending her a sample of the cure, just to be safe. She'd been worried about who could have done it and why, but Oliver? What, is he crazy now? It still made no sense at all.

"You broke into Star Labs and stole the last sample to use on yourself, you were trying to make something happen, can you remember what that was?" _Nope. _She couldn't believe it even when he said it._ What possible reason could he have for doing that?_

"Is she there with you?" She felt the knot in her throat when his voice cracked and his eyes glistened with tears. Who would he expect to be there with him? And why would he need the mirakuru? She paused the video so she could have a moment to catch her breath and line up her thoughts, and then it hit her. She had been scared out of her mind, Slade's blade against her neck, Oliver was making a speech, and he was talking about the girl that had been with them on the island, Shado. 'You see her, don't you?' He'd asked Slade. Tears rolled down her face of their own accord when she realized he might be talking about her. She hit play again. _Oh, Oliver what have you done?_

"You have three days, then it'll be over, you have to accept that, it's more than I have right now, it's more than you had yesterday," she saw him swallow. She knew how hard things were being for her, but she didn't really stop to think how he was handling things, well she shouldn't because he was the one to make her go away. She wasn't even sure it was her he was talking about anyway. She angrily wiped her hand over her cheeks.

"If you succeed in seeing her, remember how Slade saw Shado, he saw some twisted version of her that compelled him to do bad things, if you see Felicity, remember how she is, don't let your mind trick you into making her different, remember that you are the reason she went away, that you had to keep her safe, because you love her, and remember why you love her, and use that to control yourself. Remember how she is, annoyingly stubborn, bossy, always ready to tell you when you're wrong." He smiled when he talked about her. _Oh my God_. Her stomach sank low, her jaw dropped open and no matter how many times she wiped the tears new ones just made their way out.

"Remember how happy she makes you, how fast she talks, how caring and smart she is, how she always puts everyone else before her, the way she dances in her chair when she thinks nobody is watching, please Oliver, remember the sweet, loving woman that you love, because that's who she is, don't let the mirakuru tell you differently. Watch this again and again until you remember it, please." _Oliver fucking Queen, you stupid moron. How could you do something like this?_ She didn't even know how to process all that information. He loved her. _He loved her?_ He sent her away to keep her safe, she'd figured as much, she didn't agree with it, but she knew. But he loved her now? That was a little harder to wrap her mind around. Not to mention the part about injecting himself with a dangerous drug just to see her again for three days? She shook her head in disbelief, how did that even work? She agreed with him, he was an idiot, a crazy stupid idiot.

How could he do something like that? Was he out of his mind? No, he knew better, he didn't go through with it. She had no reason to believe he did. _Aside from the fact that he had clearly given this a lot of thought and didn't look much like himself in that video_. What the hell was she supposed to do now? Did Digg know? She had to call him. She picked up her phone and stared at it, what was _she_ going to do? Was she going to come back after everything to make sure he was okay? How did that work with their arrangement?

Deep down she knew there wasn't a choice, she knew she needed to see him, and soon, she had to see for herself that he was okay, especially after everything she just learned. She was going back, they would figure out the rest later. God knows what he could have done. How long had it even been since he made the video? She had been too overwhelmed to even think about that.

She clicked on the video information. It had been made in the early hours of the day before. 38 hours ago. So this was the afternoon of the second day. She cringed to think what could have happened in 38 hours with some evil version of her being his only company. _You don't even know if that's how it works, Felicity, calm down, you have to call Digg._

"Hello?" Diggle answered, but she couldn't get any words out. "Felicity? You there?"

She sniffled as more tears were shed despite her attempts to control them.

"Felicity," she could hear the concern in his voice now, "Felicity, are you okay? Are you crying?"

"Yeah, Digg, sorry," she managed to say in a somewhat steady voice.

"What happened? Why are you crying?"

"It's… Is Oliver with you?"

"No…" there was a warning in his tone, like if he was asking if she really wanted to talk about that specific subject.

"Have you seen him lately?"

"Do you know something I don't?" he sounded suspicious, "I haven't seen him since the day before yesterday."

She dropped her had back. _No, he can't have really done it._

"Do you know where he is? Have you talked to him?"

"He sent me a text saying he'd be in the foundry and wanted to be alone. I went there but he changed the code, didn't answer any of my calls either…"

"What? Why didn't you break in?"

"Look, Felicity, I know you don't want to know, but he's been… off, he just asked for some space, it's the least I could do for him."

"No, Digg, he's the one who broke into Star Labs," she said, choking up.

Digg was silent, she assumed he was as shocked as her.

"What? Why? How? How do you know that? What?" he finally said.

"He made a video, and the cloud… It doesn't matter, Digg, you have to find him, he injected himself! We have to help him!"

"So that's why he insisted I took the cure with me," Digg mumbled, still sounding astonished.

"Digg, what if he…"

"Don't think like that, I'm on my way, he'll be fine, okay?"

She just nodded, forgetting he couldn't see her. She needed to go. _Right now_. She clutched the tablet with Oliver's frozen face still on the display to her chest and stood up, picking up her purse.

"I'll be there as fast as I can. And John? Please, be careful, you don't know what he's gonna be like…"

"Always am."

After hanging up and focusing on her breathing for a moment, she made her way out of the building and stopped a town car, directing the driver to Starling and promising she'd pay double when he grimaced at the destination. She didn't trust herself to do the hour long drive. She remembered how Roy had been completely off, how Oliver and Slade had been friends before the mirakuru and what had happened after. She couldn't help playing the video again once she was settled in the backseat of the car, listening to him say he loved her and telling herself he had to be okay.

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...

Oliver was vaguely aware of a bursting noise far away, he buried his head further down between his knees and squeezed his eyes shut, and Felicity was still talking, still torturing him. He didn't listen to Diggle calling his name, barely felt the prickle of the needle in his arm, he was so exhausted, physically and psychologically drained, he just passed out. He was just grateful that everything went black. He thought he had died, and he was relieved.

Diggle looked around. He'd acted fast once he successfully broke in, he'd seen Oliver crying, mumbling things he couldn't understand, as he hugged his own head and rocked back and forth in the concrete floor. He didn't answer to Diggle calling, he didn't answer to anything, so Digg just quickly stabbed his arm with an injection arrow. Now that Oliver was lying on the floor, he made an assessment of the place. One of the salmon ladder's bars was slightly askew, a thick chain broken on the floor around it. The place Oliver had been had two fist sized dents in the ground, one on each side of him. He tried to understand just what had happened in there.

"What have you done, man?" He asked the fainted figure on the ground, shaking his head. He stepped quickly outside and called Lyla to let her know everything went smoothly and that he'd stay with Oliver, then he proceeded to put his friend on the medical table. He restrained his arms and legs for good measure and attached a bag of IV fluids to his arm. Oliver looked like hell.

He pulled a chair and sat next to the table, monitoring his vitals, rehearsing in his mind the speech Oliver was surely going to hear as soon as he opened his eyes.

The time passed and Oliver didn't even move a finger, the only way to tell he was alive was the rise and fall of his chest and the beeping sound of the monitor. Diggle was pacing around, unable to contain his worry and his anger, when Felicity finally arrived. Her eyes were red, and he imagined if the concern on her face mirrored his own. She walked to him without a word and he opened his arms, holding her tightly as she started shaking and crying again. It took her a while until she could pull away and look in Oliver's direction.

"How is he?"

"I don't know," he confessed, "I've never seen him like that."

"Why is he tied up?"

"I don't trust him, you didn't see him, Felicity, and it's just a precaution."

She didn't know what to do, she put a hand over Oliver's, and she was surprised to feel just how much she had missed touching him. He had to be okay, she couldn't even think about the alternative. She said his name under her breath, brushing a hand down the side of his face, muttering that she was there, that he had to wake up so she could scold him for being so stupid.

"Felicity," Digg brought her out of her reverie, "I have to check on Lyla and Claire."

"Yeah, okay," she answered, but he didn't move, looking at her, "what?"

He just tilted his head, looking between her and Oliver, hinting what he meant.

"I'm not gonna leave him alone, Digg."

"What if…"

"What if he wakes up alone? No, I don't care, I'm staying," she said firmly before he could finish. He nodded and said he wouldn't be long. She nodded and returned her attention to Oliver resuming her ministrations, asking him to wake up. This time when her knuckles grazed over his cheek bone he twitched. Gradually over the minutes she felt his hand tighten around hers, and she lifted her head to look into his blue eyes, wide open. The tears started rolling again, now because of joy, and she huffed out a relieved laugh as he stared at her, a small smile curling his lips.

"Oliver, I was so scared!" she ran her thumb over his jaw.

He looked at her for a long moment, the tentative smile never leaving his lips. When he was opening his mouth to say something she saw something click inside his head and his eyes changed, horror flash through, he blinked repeatedly, frowning and shaking his head.

"No," he said and he let go of her hand. "No, no, no, no," he repeated, his breathing becoming more erratic as was the beeping of the monitor.

"Oliver, it's okay, you're okay," she tried to calm him and reached back to his hand.

"Don't. Stop. Go away," he tried to move away and realized the restraints, looking relieved to see them. Even though she knew he was confused, his words hurt her, "I already told you I can't do what you want me to, please," she saw the tears in his eyes, heard the despair in his voice.

"Oliver, I don't want you to do anything, it's just me, I'm here for you," she tried in a soothing voice, hoping to erase the wild look in his face.

"No, I'm not gonna fall for that again, you are not real, you are not real," he closed his eyes.

"I'm real Oliver, I'm here, I know what happened, you hallucinated, but now it's really me!"

"No, Felicity doesn't know what I did, she as far as she could get from me and is never coming back, you're not her, you're just saying what I want to hear, but I won't do what you ask, I don't care what you say."

"I don't want you to do anything, Oliver, I just want you to calm down, it's over."

"If it's over how am I still seeing you? Stop playing games with me, I won't let you win, she's not responsible for this, I am, I sent her away and everything that happened after that is on me! I won't go after her!"

She could see his every muscle tense under his skin, fighting for control. The way every time he tugged on the restraints he stilled himself, like he was afraid to break them. She tried to imagine what he'd been through, what version of her he'd seen. She couldn't. She just stood there, helpless, watching him mumble to himself, not sure how to help him.

Digg came back then, rushing to her side, eyes wide at the scene.

"What happened?"

"He woke up, I tried to talk to him, but he just keeps saying I'm not real," she said between tears.

"Oliver," Digg called, shaking his shoulders, and he reluctantly opened his eyes again.

"Digg," his voice was urgent like Diggle was his only connection with reality, "Digg, I did something, I'm sorry, I injected myself with the mirakuru," he said between tears, begging for forgiveness.

"Hey, it's okay man, just calm down."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking, I just needed to see her again, to tell her everything, but she keeps saying things to me, she's torturing me, and she won't go away"

"Who won't go away, Oliver?"

"Felicity, but it's not her, it's a hallucination, she's in my head, and I know it's not her, but I don't know how long I can resist it anymore, I can't say no to her forever."

Diggle turned back to look at Felicity, she was shaking covering her face with her hands.

"Oliver, listen to me, I used the cure on you, it's over, you're back."

"No, Digg, she's right there, I still see her!" He pointed his head in Felicity's way.

"Yes, she is here, I see her too, it's really her, man, it's okay."

Oliver's face contorted and he shook his head, not convinced.

"It's not real, you're not real either, none of this is real," he cried out. He shut his eyes again and the beeping of the monitor raced again, his breathing became short and shallow, tears running down his face as he clenched his jaw, little pained sounds escaping his throat every now and then. Diggle tried to calm him and talk him out of it but it just made it worse, he suddenly started trembling on the table.

It was a horrifying image, Felicity thought it would be burned in her brain forever. The always strong, always confident Oliver, that ran a billion dollar business during the day and was a lifesaving hero by night was lying on a table, shaking, crying, completely lost. She couldn't even bring herself to turn away.

"He's having a panic attack," she heard Diggle say, "I have to sedate him, grab me some lorazepam."

She hurried to the medicine drawers, picking the right drug on shaky hands and bringing it over to Digg, who immediately pushed the right dosage in Oliver's vein.

"He hasn't been sleeping lately, he's confused, and God knows how the mirakuru affects the body, maybe he just needs some rest," Digg said, unsure, looking at her with worry when Oliver finally dozed off. She nodded, knowing he was trying to comfort her, but the only thing she could think about was wishing she could go back in time, stand up to him and avoid all this. Both of them stood beside Oliver's sleeping form, trying not to wonder if this had finally been one trauma too many and if he would be able to make his way back to them.

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Next chapter is probably the last, I'm working on it, don't know how long it'll take, maybe a week or two, and it's less angsty because I've tortured him enough I think. What do you guys think?

Feedback is love!

I really enjoy every single review you guys give me.

Come talk to me on tumblr if you rather: amandaecs over there


	4. Up in the Sky

First of all, I'm really sorry about the wait. I swear I didn't mean to take so long. I thought I'd use my vacation to lay back and write some, but my friends and family had other plans for me, so I barely even stayed at home, or had any quality writing time when I did.

That said, when I did get time to write, things came slower than usual and this chapter is also longer than usual, and I wasn't liking it so it took a lot of rewriting to get to a somewhat presentable work. I'm still very insecure about it but I have too much anxiety and after a lot of reading it over and editing it I finally came to a point where I thought I wasn't making it any better anymore so I might as well post it already and stop making you wait. If I ever come back and make it better I'll update it again, but for now it's what I have, so here you go. I apologize for the huge delay.

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Felicity was sitting in her chair, next to Oliver, resting her forehead on the cold metal of the table and clutching his hand in hers. He had just been sedated, so it would take a long time for him to wake up again, and Digg took that opportunity to drop by his house and check if Lyla would need anything, but he'd promised to be back soon, way before Oliver woke up, since obviously Felicity couldn't be the first face he saw if they wanted to avoid a repeat performance of what had just happened.

For now she could hold his hand, while he slept soundly. She could organize her thoughts and ponder on what this whole situation meant for her. She couldn't just unsee everything that happened, or pretend she didn't hear what he said in that video, even if it wasn't meant for her ears. Tears prickled her eyes every time she remembered about it. What was she supposed to do now? How did they come back from something like this? It was all so absurd she couldn't even begin to comprehend that he had indeed gone as far as he did, or the fact that he did it because he loved her. She grunted, lifting her head to look at his face, sighing in frustration that she would have to wait God knows how long for him to wake up, and even then she didn't know if he would be in a good enough mental shape to have a conversation with her.

"Talking to yourself?"Digg was stepping towards her, jolting her from her position.

"Thinking out loud, apparently," she scoffed with a forced smile, "What are we gonna do with him, Digg? How could he even think about doing something like this?"

"I don't know," Digg admitted, rubbing a hand in the back of his neck, "One thing that's for sure is that I will kick his crazy ass as soon as he can stand up," he said with a half smile.

Felicity tried to smile back, but it turned into a shake of her head, before she looked up at the ceiling, trying to control the tears.

"Hey," Digg said with a hand on her forearm, "We'll figure this out, Oliver still has a lifetime of poor decisions ahead of him, I wish I could say this is the worse we'll ever have to deal with, but the guy can be pretty stupid when he wants to," this time he actually drew a weak smile from her, and then after a pause he got a serious expression, "that is, if you want to be here, I would understand if you…"

"Digg, I'll be here, I was never the one who wanted to leave," she sighed heavily, "everything about this, from the beginning, was just all kinds of messed up, I should never have left."

"Felicity, this is not your fault, not by a long shot, so just don't, okay? He brought this one on himself."

Felicity nodded once, slowly, and turned her eyes away from his and to the floor, suddenly not sure what to do with her hands.

"You should try to get some sleep," Digg said after a beat, "tomorrow is gonna be a rough day for all of us. Take the cot in the back, I'll just stay in the chair, in case he wakes up."

"Yeah, okay, I'll try." She appreciated the fact that he didn't ask her to leave, and just understood how important it was for her to be there, and that she had the right to.

She took one look at the cot that was set in the far corner of the lair, seeing the scrambled blanket on top, knowing that's where Oliver had been sleeping, and knew this was going to be a long night. Settling on the rough fabric, she wrapped his covers around her and closed her eyes, trying to pretend everything was fine and get her brain to shut down.

Diggle sat back in the chair beside Oliver, hearing Felicity's shifting in the back and hoping she could get some rest, despite the circumstances. How was it that his grown man of a partner was more of a handful than his two month old? He looked at the subject of his mental scolding and shook his head in disapproval, finding that the gesture actually helped ease some of the frustration of having to wait hours to give him a proper piece of his mind. He sighed as a highlight real of the last few hours played in his mind and closed his eyes, willing sleep to come soon.

Surprisingly, Diggle fell asleep soon after - apparently having a small child makes it easier to sleep through stressful situations. However, sometime after midnight his phone jolted him awake, buzzing with a text from Oliver. He opened it, after shooting a confused look to the still unconscious man on the table, finding that it was an explanation of what he had done, and instructions for where to find him and use the cure. _Well at least he thought it through_, he thought bitterly, feeling the anger bubbling up once again and turning away from Oliver because, baby or not, there was no way he would get back to sleep with that guy in sight.

As she had foreseen, Felicity had a restless sleep, drifting in and out of consciousness to find that only minutes had passed, her anxiety dragging the time in an excruciating pace. It felt like days instead of hours when finally it was three in the morning, making it eight hours since the sedation. According to Digg, the effect would be wearing off, meaning Oliver wouldn't take too long to wake up. She was trembling with anticipation, not knowing what to expect from today, but knowing it was a changing point in her life, for better or for worse. Glancing over, she saw both men were still asleep, so she took out her tablet, and tried to distract herself to make time hurry on, giving up on sleep completely even when her burning eyes were begging for it.

The first muffled grunts she heard almost sent her hyperventilating. It had already been two hours since she'd been just sitting there waiting for that moment, to which she was somewhat grateful for, it was good that he got some sleep, he obviously really needed the rest, if the dark circles around his eyes and the tired expression even while he slept were anything to go by, but that didn't mean she wasn't agitated, though, because she needed to know if he was going to be okay, if he'd be sane. They needed to talk, there was too much to be explained, and just the possibility of seeing him lose himself again was more than she thought she'd be able to bare.

She watched from afar as Digg sat up straight, and Oliver mumbled something with his eyes still closed. She made sure to stay out of his sight, but still in a place she could see the both of them, too eager to know how he'd be. Diggle stood up and reached a bottle of water to Oliver's lips, because he was still tied to the table.

"How are you feeling?" Diggle asked after Oliver gulped down the water.

"Like I've been beat up," he answered, with a hint of confusion in his voice, and then tugged on the restraints, "What are these for?"

"Nothing comes to mind?" Digg raised an eybrow.

Oliver furrowed his brows for a second, gathering his thoughts, and then his eyes went wide as the memory came back. He shut his eyes and let his head fall on the metal with a thud.

"No," he whispered, after he took a look around the room as if to make sure of something.

"Yes," Diggle replied, not able to hold back the anger from his tone, "Care to explain why I got a message in the middle of the night saying you had injected yourself with mirakuru and I had to come here and cure you?"

Oliver shook his head and swallowed hard, taking yet another look around the room. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't know what got into me, I needed… I just… no, there's nothing I can say that will make this okay, I'm so sorry."

"Damn right there isn't! I have a family, Oliver! What we do is already dangerous enough without having you being crazy, uncontrollable and jacked up. You know a hundred ways to kill a person and you go around injecting yourself with a drug that will make you a hallucinating superhuman? Did you give any thought to what could have happened if you had gotten out of here? You made a hole on the ground with your fists, Oliver! Who knows what you could have done with someone that crossed your way!"

Oliver closed his eyes, knowing he deserved a lot worse for what he had done, "I needed to see her one more time."

"You had no right to send her away," Digg lowered his voice to an almost whisper, the harshness on his tone never wavering, as he once again brought up the argument they'd had a hundred times over the last six weeks, "she was a part of this team just as much as you and me and you single handedly decided to make her go away, none of us got a say in it, and even then I stuck around, because I believe in what we do, but now you want to get high on mirakuru to see her again? You don't get to do that, you don't get to be that irresponsible, and you don't get to ask me to come here and cure you, you don't get to put me or anyone else in danger because you can't live with your own decisions. If you're dumb enough to make them, be man enough to face the consequences," he hissed pressing his index finger on Oliver's chest, who turned his face away from him and took a deep breath.

"I know, I'm sorry…" he trailed off.

"You know what? I've had it with you, Oliver," he threw his hands up, "next time you pull your stupid shit you better be prepared to face it all alone."

"Digg," Oliver swallowed, having a hard time looking him in the eye. Digg glowered at him and waited. "Did you do it? Did it work? The cure, did it work?"

"Yes, I did, and judging by how you haven't broken out of those restraints yet, I'd say it worked, yeah."

Oliver nodded, "thank you."

Digg approached the table once more, and started to undo the restraint on his right hand.

"There's someone here to see you," he said once Oliver sat up, using his right hand to free his left from the table. He looked up at Diggle, confused, and Diggle looked back to where Felicity appeared at the back.

Oliver's eyes went wide and he froze midway through bending to free his feet. He looked back at Digg and despair crossed his face.

"She can't be here, she said she was never coming back, I drove her away," he said barely above a whisper.

"Yes, I was there, I remember, but she came back, she was worried about you."

Digg could see the suspicion cross his face, and he narrowed his eyes.

"Why would she be worried about me? She doesn't know about what I did, she said she never wanted to hear about me again."

"Yes, but for some reason she still cares about you and wanted to see you, now you have to calm yourself down and remember that I cured you, you can't be hallucinating anymore, do you understand that?"

Oliver shot a wary look at Felicity, who took a hesitant step forward, and looked between him and Diggle.

"Digg, I had a dream just like this…" Oliver warned, holding his hand out to stop Felicity and looking pleadingly up at Digg.

"It wasn't a dream, Oliver," he answered, "trust me, this is real, and tell me if I can trust you not to lose your shit again so I can let you two have some privacy."

"Okay," Oliver swallowed again and looked at Felicity, searching for a sign that it was really her, but still unable to really believe it. Digg put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it for reassurance before muttering for him not to be stupid and leaving.

Oliver stayed where he was, sitting on the table, watching as Felicity slowly came over.

"Hey," she said, still a couple feet away, "are you okay?"

"Yeah," he replied weakly, unable to drop his gaze from hers.

"Aren't you gonna get out of those?" She pointed at his feet, not knowing what to say now that she finally had the chance.

Oliver frowned before dropping his eyes and slowly working to free his feet, trying to buy some time to think of why she would really be there. He then sat on the edge of the table, clutching it with his hands until his knuckles turned white, working up the nerve to say something.

Felicity was wringing her hands and looking at the floor when he spoke.

"Why… How did you know?" his voice was so small and full of shame it almost hurt her.

"You made a video…" she finally said after a beat of silence, making his head shoot up and his eyes meet hers, "you accidentally sent it to my tablet."

He took a deep breath, unable to speak at the realization of what she had seen in the video, furrowing his brows and weakly shaking his head, he was almost making a dent in the cool metal where his hands were grasping it, "I'm sorry you saw that, I didn't mean…"

"What?" Felicity cut him off, feeling a wave of rage coursing through her, "What didn't you mean, Oliver? The part where you said you loved me? The part you sent me away? Or the part where you took a dangerous drug and said it was because of me?"

He dropped his head down, not knowing if there was a right thing to say in that moment as her voice got louder and she took a step forward with each sentence. Eventually she was invading his personal space, and he was forced to look back up.

"How could you do that to me?" she asked, balling her fists and slamming them repeatedly on his chest, "How dare you play with me like that? How can you say that you love me when you shut me off? Do you have any idea everything I had to give up to get out of your way? You have no right to come into my new life saying things like that, and making me worry about you when you've broken every promise you ever made me" the words got breathier as she punched him again and again, tears streaming down her face.

Somewhere deep inside him he knew her words were true, and that they should hurt, that once again she was crying and he was the one to blame, but he couldn't bring himself to care about any of that. The only thing going through his mind was that she was there, she was really there and not even all the guilt he was feeling was enough to outshine the happiness that fact brought to him. He covered her hands with his and held them tightly to his chest where she was punching him. She groaned, trying to escape him.

"You're really here," he choked up, looking into her eyes and she stopped trying to pull away from his hold.

"I am," she said, finding hard to maintain a steady voice when he sounded so vulnerable.

A smile took form on his lips, and he ran one of his hands up her arm and to her face, brushing away the tears only to make room for new ones.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, unable to think of anything that could earn her forgiveness.

"Why did you make this mess, Oliver?" She shook her head at him, finally taking her hands back and letting them fall at her sides.

"Please don't," he said as he reached for her again, "I know I don't deserve it, but please stay?"

She let him take her hands again, searching in her heart for a response to his plea. Deep down she didn't want to be away from him either, but it wasn't that simple.

"I don't know if I can deal with this, Oliver," she gestured between them, "I don't want to live in fear that if one day I'm in danger or something happens you're just gonna pull away. You can't protect me from everything, but the fact that you didn't with the one thing you could… You could have been there for me, but instead you just basically kicked me out of your life, and most of my own life in the process, how can I be okay with something like that?"

"I know, and you shouldn't… It was the worst idea I ever had, I just couldn't get over the fact that you were falling apart and it was all my fault. I couldn't shake the feeling that you would only have a chance at a normal, happy life once you were away from me, away from all of this. You had someone willing to give you that, and that was something I couldn't give you, I couldn't even give you the certainty we'd survive to see another day, that's not the life I wanted for you."

"The life _you_ wanted for me? That is not your choice to make! A normal life? Wouldn't even be able to tell you what that looks like, since I never had one, but I _was_ happy, here, with you, with all of you. Sure, we have bad days and we deal with horrible things, but being a part of something, having people to call family? That had been something I'd longed for a long time, and you just ripped it away from me. I didn't go away because you told me to, I went away because it was something I had been bracing myself for since day one. That's how it's always been, when I find something I care about, I end up losing it, so I go away and try to build myself up again. What did you think I was gonna do? Buy a house, get a dog, raise a family, forget all about this? When you told me I'd never lose you I actually believed you, and I don't know if I can ever trust you like that again."

It cut deep through his soul, to realize the extent in which he'd hurt her, the fact that he didn't really stop to think about the ways that could harm her only further confirmed his guilt. Had he been so blinded by the fact that she had someone to go home to and that she didn't turn to him anymore since she'd gotten with Daniel that he actually believed she'd so easily get over losing this, as long as she had someone to make a real life with? All he remembered was watching her eyes going empty day after day and knowing he had to do something to bring life back into them, even if he never got to see it.

"I… I swear I never meant to hurt you, I don't even know how I got to that, all I could think about was how I was ruining your life, by dragging you into this. I've managed to destroy everything good in my life, and I just couldn't think of any other way to stop myself from doing it to you, because you are the best thing that ever happened to me, and losing you, that.. I'm not sure who I would be in a world where you're slipping away into the darkness."

"Well news flash, Oliver! I'm not all sunshine and rainbows! I have a dark side! I've had things happen to me that were not all good and they're a part of who I am too. The fact that I don't brood around all day everyday doesn't mean I don't have the right to have dark days and dark months and be affected by all the filth that we have to deal with. It's okay to let it get to you and it's something I chose, knowing full well about all the implications, I chose to be a part of this, and if there's a possibility I have to kill someone to protect myself then so be it!" She was fed up, exhaustion catching up with her along with all the frustration and anger.

Oliver stood up from the table, leveling her with his gaze, not looking apologetic anymore, "You don't mean that," he said sternly, "don't take that lightly, you were always the one who told me to find another way, even when I was already a murderer. You see now? This is the kind of thing that should never even cross your mind, and if it does it's my fault, and of all the things I'm guilty of, that's the one that weighs the most, that it's even a possibility that you would have to, because of me."

"Do you even know why I did it?"

"What?"

"Why I almost killed that guy?" He gave her the slightest shake of his head, and she went on, "I knew you didn't have the angle to take him down while he was using me as a body shield. And he said he would make me watch you die first."

Oliver gulped, he remembered the guy turning his gun to him and whispering something in her hair. "That only proves my point, that it's my fault."

"Will you stop being so stubborn? Ugh! You're so frustrating! The thought of losing you made me do that! He was the one with the gun, he was the guilty one! How is this any different from when you killed the Count because he had me?"

Hadn't she understood yet? "The difference is you are the one I can't live without!" he ground out.

"So there you have it," the words spilled out of her before she could stop them, she hadn't meant to tell him any of that. She pulled away from him and turned to leave, letting the implications of what she'd just said float in the suddenly cold air between them. She just couldn't discuss this any further without shattering the walls she had safely built since her departure, she couldn't afford letting him in again.

Oliver was astonished, frozen in place, mouth dropping open, trying to convey the meaning behind her words. Watching her leave once again, knowing the agony that would be his once she crossed the door. He felt it in his heart that she wasn't coming back anymore.

"Felicity," he called after her, determined not to leave anything unsaid this time.

She stopped on the first step up the stairs, but only half turned, not meeting his gaze, gripping the rail with much more force than necessary, attempting to find an outlet to the tight, wrenching feeling in her heart, taking a deep breath as she felt him coming towards her. She felt his fingers soft as a whisper against her right shoulder, sending a shiver down her spine, but they were gone as soon as she turned her attention to him.

He hesitated with his hands, fighting between the need to touch her and the will to give her space before shoving them in his pockets. She looked expectantly at him, waiting for whatever he still had to say.

"I know I've been a fool, and a giant idiot, and misleading, and all kinds of wrong, but the truth is, I love you," the last three words were like a relieved sigh escaping him, different from the tense tone he'd been using until then, and she could see a weight being lifted from his shoulders as he said it, " I love you, I have loved you for such a long time, it was true the first time I said it, and it had been true way before then, and I didn't know how to deal with it, because everyone I love ends up hurt or dead or screwed up because I don't know how to take care of people, I just know how to ruin them, it's how I am, and the only way to protect them is to get as far from them as I can. I'm a bad seed, I'm just no good, and I understand that you never want to see me again, but I just couldn't let you go before I said that."

Tears prickled both their eyes, he wiped furiously at them, refusing to let his last memory of her be a blurry one.

"I'm not going anywhere," she whispered as she curled a hand around his neck and brought his forehead to rest on hers, closing her eyes, feeling those carefully constructed walls crumble as his words rang in her head. They stayed like that for a moment, allowing themselves to revel in each others company. Relieve was flooding him and then her hand slid down to his chest and pushed him away. That was more like it.

"I deserve to be here, I belong here, and I'll be damned if I ever let you or anyone else convince me otherwise," she said, hand still on his chest, watching him, "and yes, you have been a fool, and a giant idiot, and all kinds of wrong, but that's only because you sell yourself short, you do know how to take care of people, you do it everyday, what you need to learn is to stop taking the blame for everything that goes wrong in Starling City, otherwise we're just back where we started."

He nodded, realizing he had been holding his breath, managing a weak smile, "thank you".

She leaned into his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her, keeping his mouth closed not to say anything that could make her change her mind, instead he buried his face in her hair, breathing in her presence, her scent, tightening his hold around her, not willing to let go even an inch when she started to step back. Felicity cupped his cheek, anger finally vanished from her, and she ran her thumb over the circles under his eyes, taking in the slightly prominent cheek bone and the paleness of his complexion.

"You need to eat, and sleep," her voice was soft, and she playfully sniffed his shirt, "and take a shower," she smiled as he huffed a laugh, "and so do I. Come on, I'll take you home." She tugged on his hand, heading for the door, before turning back to look at him, "Actually, I didn't drive here, so I hope Digg won't mind."

The ride to Oliver's apartment was filled with an awkward silence, and after pulling over in front of the building Digg asked for a minute with Felicity after Oliver got out. Trying not to think about the conversation they were having, he waited patiently until she opened her door, telling Digg not to worry, and that yes, she would call.

She stepped out of the vehicle and stood in the sidewalk, looking up at the apartment building and the pale blue morning sky.

"Here we are," she muttered, and he smiled at her, putting a hand in the middle of her back and guiding her inside.

Once they entered his spacious living room, he realized how long it had been since the last time he slept here.

"It's been a while, I don't know if I have any food," he said sheepishly, making his way into the kitchen and starting to check the cabinets and the fridge, "Can I interest you in some whole grain cereal or grilled cheese?"

"Mmm, make that grilled cheese," she said, wrinkling her nose at the cereal box, "I could really use a shower first, though."

"Sure, first door on the left, there are clean towels in there."

She fidgeted. ''Actually, could you also lend me some clothes? I didn't bring any."

Their eyes locked for a second and he nodded, signaling her to follow him into his room and then his closet. He grabbed one of his white t-shirts, and a pair of black shorts that were actually Thea's and somehow got mixed with his stuff in the moving, handing them to her."These should fit."

She had to stop herself from swallowing when he gave her his shirt, forcing her eyes away from it, "Thank you."

He smiled. "I'll go make us those grilled cheese sandwiches."

"Yeah, okay, I'll be right there."

Once inside the bathroom she rested her back against the door and sighed heavily, gliding down until she was sitting on the floor. She closed her eyes for a minute to gather herself. It was barely noon and it was already one of the longest days of her life. The feelings she thought she had successfully buried in a place she'd never find came back in full force and she had to decide what to do about them. It had been naive of her to believe she could keep an emotional distance where Oliver was concerned. Her eyelids were getting heavy and she had to make an effort to stand up before she fell asleep right there, finally making her way to the shower.

Once Felicity stepped out of the bathroom, Thea's shorts barely showing underneath his shirt, Oliver had to tame his train of thought from derailing into dangerous territory, remembering he had hurt her a great deal, and the fact that she was even talking to him was already a miracle.

Exhaustion had caught up with both of them by the time they finished their meal in silence, both yawning and blinking slowly. Once they were done Oliver put the dishes in the sink, telling her to make herself at home and that he was heading to the shower.

When he got out, fresh and clean, stubble back down to it's usual size, he was feeling renovated, tiredness somewhat washed away with the shower, although he had to admit it probably had more to do with having Felicity close by than the cold water. He found her asleep in his couch. And it was more the need to do something for her than the concern that the couch wasn't comfortable enough that made him scoop her up from it.

"Oliver," she mumbled, only half aware of what was happening.

"Shhh, I got you, go back to sleep."

She hummed and adjusted herself, burrowing further into his chest. He wondered if she could hear his heart skip a beat.

"There you go," he said, lowering her onto his own bed, rather than the one in the guest room, wanting at least some extent of him to surround her. It was a selfish thing, but he couldn't help but indulge himself.

"Oliver," her hand gripped his shirt when he was moving away.

"I'm here," he replied, voice soft, and stroked her cheek, cracking the most genuine smile he'd been able to manage in months.

"I love you too," the words dragged out as her voice was heavy with sleep, but still his heart was twisting inside his chest. His smile got wider and he lowered himself to give her a chaste kiss on the cheek.

"I'd love to hear you say that when you're awake sometime," he muttered, eyes closed, marveling in the wonder of what it would feel like if she did.

When he pulled back her blue eyes were wide open, filled with a warmth that did nothing to calm his racing pulse. She sat up on the bed and brought him down to sit next to her, running a hand through his hair behind his ear, making his eyes shut of their own accord.

He felt every cell in his body turning into her touch. "I missed you so much," he sighed loudly, letting his head fall, "I love you so, so much."

"I love you too," she said, almost to herself, an admission she had been fighting for a long time, and maybe it was just the stress from the day, but she felt like denying it any longer was just fooling herself. His eyes snapped open to make sure he hadn't imagined it, and she smiled up at him, "I'm awake."

He took her hand and brought it to his lips, careful not to cross any lines, even though he really wanted to cross some lines.

"Do you think I can ever fix this?"

She bit her lips together. "I think we can try."

They stared at each other for what seemed like a long time, but only seconds had passed when they were meeting halfway, their lips crashing together, molding to each other, moving at a hungry pace, and she leaned back on the bed, digging her fingers in his neck and his shoulders, bringing him down on top of her, opening her mouth for him and stroking her tongue over his, tasting the mint from his toothpaste as she explored his mouth. He bit down lightly on her lower lip with his teeth, eliciting a needy, unsolicited moan from her and she felt his smile against the skin of her jaw, that he was now laving with kisses, giving them both room to breathe. He braced himself on his left elbow, and ran his right hand slowly down her side, stopping at the hem of her t-shirt and looking up at her.

She bit on her lower lip and nodded once, burning from the fire his lips and fingers left on their wake. Kissing her again, he groaned, slipping his hand over her bare skin, stroking and squeezing her hipbone before trailing up. In return, she gripped his shirt and scraped her nails over both his sides as she worked it out of him. He let his lips leave her for only a moment to get rid of the shirt but when he moved to place them back on hers she pushed him and rolled them over, straddling him, feeling where he was already hard for her, circling her hips against his once for good measure, laughing breathily at his loud growl before arching down to place kisses along his chest, scraping her nails across his abdomen, making him hiss when they cut over his nipples, his hands not so gently grasping her thighs, sneaking his fingers beneath her shorts only to find she didn't have any underwear on. He was unable to stop his hips from jerking upwards, both of them moaning with the sudden friction.

In one swift motion he removed her shirt, and without warning he was sitting up, taking one of her breasts in his mouth and the other in one of his rough hands, the other splayed on her back, balancing her as she rolled her head back, grinding her down against him as she gasped, before he claimed her lips back. Every possible inch of them was glued together, in their tangle of wandering hands and bruising kisses, their bodies screamed the desperate need for each other that they had been so carefully trying to hide, afraid that it would make the loss that much more unbearable.

Oliver leaned her back on the bed, taking a moment to shimmy out of his sweat pants, kicking them to the floor. Before Felicity could fully appreciate the view, though, he was settling on top of her, beginning to trail sucking kisses from her mouth down, his stubble dragging on her skin, rolling her nipples between his fingers as he kissed her sternum, hands moving to hook around the band of her shorts as his mouth resumed it's way south. He moved his hands along with his lips, tugging down her shorts at a deliciously, irritatingly slow pace. By the time his mouth reached past her navel, he dragged the last piece of clothing between them all the way out, throwing it behind his back and returning his attention to Felicity's body, hands traveling up her legs, pushing them apart, mouth biting lightly at her inner thigh.

Then his mouth was unceremoniously kissing and sucking her clit, and she was already so close. "Oliver," she called, breathlessly. He hummed his response without looking up or taking his mouth from her. She gripped fistfuls of the sheets. _Fuck, he was trying to kill her._ His tongue felt wonderful as it worked over her, inside her, but she just needed more. "Oliver!" She managed a steady voice this time, and he stopped to look questioningly up at her. She placed a hand behind his neck, pulling him up her body, "Oliver, I need you, all of you, now." He smiled, pressing his lower abdomen where it was touching her core, and she whimpered. His grin got wider. "Yeah, yeah, very funny, now where do you keep the condoms?"

He just looked at her, it was more than amusement, it was happiness. He looked at her like she was everything, and she just had to kiss him. He moved up the bed to deepen the kiss and she took the opportunity to reach down and curl her fingers around him, pumping once, twice. He grunted against her mouth, pulling back. "Felicity," he warned. They were both too close.

It was her turn to smile. "Who's laughing now?"

"Okay, condom." He reached over to the bedside table, coming up with the small square foil, which she immediately took out of his hand, opening it with her teeth before rolling it onto him.

When he positioned himself, they looked into each others eyes, no words needed. He watched her lips part and her eyes close as he pushed inside, slowly, until he was completely buried inside her. "You okay?"

She opened her eyes. "Yeah." She rolled her hips up, catching him by surprise.

He hissed and picked up a rhythm, first slow and shallow, and then getting deeper, harder, faster, Felicity's nails scratching his back, meeting him thrust for thrust, until he brought his thumb over her clit, pressing and rubbing circles on it, and it didn't take long before she was falling apart, clenching down on him, his name on her lips, his lips everywhere, his hips slowing down as he eased her through the aftershocks, and then she felt his muscles tensing and his pace getting frantic. She braced her hands on his shoulders, digging her heels in his back, her body still so very sensitive from her orgasm, and she felt every twitch of his body until he came inside her with a grunt, face buried into her neck. He stayed there, panting, trying to hold most of his weight from crushing her until he recovered enough to move.

She stroked his hair with one hand, the other lazily drawing patterns on his back, he hummed happily and turned into her touch, reluctantly pulling out of her after giving her a sweet kiss. He went quickly to the bathroom to discard the condom, Felicity was already starting to drift asleep when he dipped the bed beside her, settling on one of the pillows before reaching out to pull her to his side, adjusting the covers around them, both so relaxed and tired they fell asleep in a matter of seconds, lost in the feel of each other.

The sun wasn't up yet when Oliver woke up from a dreamless sleep, the tips of Felicity's fingers tracing a path up and down his chest slowly drawing him back to consciousness, his hand coming to rest on top of hers. He couldn't remember ever feeling this happy so early in the morning. She perched her chin atop of his chest to look at him, greeting him with a smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. His heart sank.

He brushed her hair behind her ears, brows creasing. "Hey, is something wrong? Do you… do you regret this? We don't have to, I understand, it's too much…"

She kissed him quiet. "No. Stop. It's nothing like that. I don't regret this." She stroked the underside of his jaw. "Hey, this was, we are, wow, yeah I won't be regretting any of that."

That earned her a faint smile. "Then what is it?"

"It's silly," she tried to brush it off, lying her head back on his chest, but he just waited, and she knew he wasn't going to let her drop it. Her eyes welled up. "It's just… I realized how close this came to never happening…"

He held her tighter.

"You could have died, Oliver."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered into her hair, arms overlapping around her.

She turned into his embrace to meet his eyes. "I don't want to lose you again, Oliver."

"You never did. I'm yours, I'll always be yours, in whichever way you want me."

"I want you like this."

He smiled. "Then I'm not going anywhere."

"Good." She leaned down to kiss him.

They spent most of the day in bed, only getting up to eat whatever was left in Oliver's pantry. Today they would stay in that bubble, leaving the worries for later. There was still a long way to go, but their problems would still be there the next morning, and they would deal with them when it came to it. It wasn't going to be easy but they would be there to pick each other up. The important thing was that they loved each other, and they would go from there.

….

.

.

I feel like I have to apologize again. I know, I shouldn't attempt at writing anything smut like in my lifetime, rest assured, I don't think that will be happening again. One time was enough. I don't know why my brain did that to me, but it was a part of the story and I had to write it down. Sorry.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) this is the end, thanks to everybody who's been reading and reviewing, you people are awesome and I love you all, sorry I suck so bad.

Reviews are much appreciated


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